Ms Congeniality - III

Crowns and Roses
~Yuri~
MS CONGENIALITY : THE THIRD CHALLENGE OF BEING CONGENIAL

Have you ever been to a restaurant where the waiter spits in your food before he brings it to your table? Ugh! I know it’s yucky and makes your stomach churn, but a lot of restaurants have waiters who do this. You needn’t be bothered though, if you follow one little piece of advice. Change all your complaints and criticism of the others into requests. You would ask me, how? It’s easy.

When complaining in a restaurant, some people will say, “Waiter, this bloody soup is awful. Can’t you guys even serve a decent soup in your lousy restaurant ?”

Some others would put it across differently. Like, “Waiter, my soup’s not tasting right, and I like it really hot, can you get me another one, please !”

The way the waiter responds in both these situations could be very different. In both these cases, he will take the soup back into the kitchen and curse that fellow. He will then get another soup to the satisfaction of the customer and serve it to him. Except that in the first case, there is a good chance that he would try and do something that would avenge the slight accorded to him by the customer. His focus will not be on giving the customer what he wants. He will, instead, want to do something to make himself forget the disrespect and abuse with which the customer treated him. He might just spit in the soup, or something similar so that when the customer eats that soup, he can chuckle to himself and silently say, ‘take that, you idiot.”

Criticism usually puts people on the defensive and doesn't get the results we want. When put on the defensive, people's capacity to listen and comply with your demands goes down. Their attention and energy will often go into some combination of defending their position, saving face & counter-attacking. Only when they feel safe are they likely to listen and consider how they might meet our needs. By translating your complaint into a request you, therefore, change the role you are asking the other person to play.

While complaining or criticizing someone, your aim should be clear, that you want things changed from what they are. As long as you are clear about this, you won’t go wrong. Don’t get personal and don’t use generalizations while complaining. Ask for what you want by using specific, action-oriented, positive language. Here are some examples.

"Don't be so inconsiderate! Just keep quiet yaar !" could be restated as: "Please don’t make that noise. I’m trying to sleep because we have an early morning shoot."

"Somebody ought to order some food." could be restated as: "Would you order some food because we’re all very hungry."

"Turn down that music!" could be restated as: "Hi. I am in the room next to yours and your music is really booming through the walls. Would you please turn it down so I can concentrate on my work."

Remember, changing your complaints into action oriented words will not only make you more congenial to the others, but also increase the chances of your getting what you want. Similarly, you can reverse the situation. When someone makes a complaint to you and does not word it properly, don’t get angry. Instead, understand where that person is coming from, why she’s saying what she’s saying, and what is it that she wants. Convert that into a request in your own head and see what you can do about it.

The Fourth Challenge of Congeniality coming up in the next issue. In the mean time, answer this month’s simple question and win yourself 3 free one-on-one training sessions with me. It’ll help you on your way to the crown. Plus it’s easy because the answer to the question lies somewhere in this article.

The Question : Is it right to generalize a complaint and say,” You never come on time.”

Shoot off your answer to yuriyuriyuri@gmail.com. The lucky winner will be notified by e mail.

Stay cool, I’ll catch you next month.