Ms Congeniality - VII

Crowns and Roses
~Yuri~
MS CONGENIALITY : THE FINAL CHALLENGE OF BEING CONGENIAL
Being Too Serious Can Drive You Crazy
My favorite question to my friends is, “Are you having fun yet ?” The reason I ask this is that most of the world is not having fun yet, and it is unlikely that they would be having fun anytime in the near future ! My definition of fun would probably be the same as yours. I would just add a new perspective.
The first thing about having fun is the ability to laugh at yourself.
Show me a human being who has never done a silly mistake and I’ll show you a monkey that doesn’t eat bananas. Everyone has fallen on a slippery floor, dropped a glass in a party, or made a social faux pas sometimes in their lives but they would never admit it. They didn’t laugh at that wonderfully funny thing because they were too embarrassed about it. They were embarrassed about it because it happened to them. Had it happened to someone else, they would have enjoyed it !
Similarly, most people get teased very easily. If someone makes fun of them, they don’t take too kindly to it and immediately start thinking of a counter retort or revenge.
The importance that you give to yourself and your image is good, but being too serious about yourself will bog you down. Approaching your life with a non-serious attitude gives you a clearheaded view of difficulties and the energy to deal with them. Problems are easier to solve, people are more cooperative and you feel more relaxed.

To learn how to laugh at yourself, do this exercise. Every once in a while sit down with friends and narrate to each other your most embarrassing moments in life. Don’t stop yourself. Come out with experiences where you felt like total idiots, and when your friends laugh at you, join in the laughter. This exercise liberates you from the excessive self importance that is restricting your self confidence. When you accept yourself as an ordinary mortal who makes mistakes but is also capable of achieving many things, your self esteem and confidence shoots up.
There are some other aspects of having fun in life.
Be creative, stop following all the rules. If you obey all the rules you will miss out on all the fun. Now, this does not mean that you break the rules that the pageant management has laid down for you. Interpret this advice in a fun, non-rebellious way and you will find that there is a lot of opportunity in life to have fun while staying within accepted norms.
Another favorite question that I ask is, “When was the last time you did something for the first time ?” Seek out and get some adventure in life. Try new things once in a while. Don’t say no to something just because you have never tried it or experienced it earlier.
Here’s another tip. Whenever you face a situation where someone does something to make you angry, try and wait for 10 seconds before you react. I’m not asking you to count up to 10 in these seconds. Instead, I will ask you to remind yourself of a magic mantra. And the mantra is that ‘Five years later, that incident will no longer seem important to you, in fact, you will not even remember it.” Remind yourself of this mantra in those 10 seconds and see how your reaction to any potentially explosive situation changes for the better.
And finally, the biggest myth of all: "People will think I'm important if I act serious all the time." Yet getting serious creates problems: stress, worry, anxiety, emotional pain, drudgery and failure. Resolving problems by getting more serious is like fixing a computer with a hammer. The harder you try, the worse the problem becomes.
So lighten up, get yourself a sense of humor, learn to laugh at yourself, and get a life. You will find that you are suddenly more acceptable by those around you and will score high on the Ms Congeniality vote.
These along with the six in previous issues were the Seven Challenges of Congeniality.

Next issue we shall talk of more stuff to get you ready for that Miss India crown. In the mean time, answer this month’s simple question and win yourself 3 free one-on-one training sessions with me. It’ll help you on your way to the crown. Plus it’s easy because the answer to the question lies somewhere in this article.

The Question : If someone makes fun of you, immediately say something equally harsh, otherwise he will think that you are a weak person. (True or False ?)

Shoot off your answer to yuriyuriyuri@gmail.com. The lucky winner will be notified by e mail.

Till next month then.

Ms Congeniality - V

Crowns and Roses
~Yuri~
MS CONGENIALITY : THE FIFTH CHALLENGE OF BEING CONGENIAL
The power of simple acknowledging

Have you seen how some people, when you tell them something, always repeat your words back to you. And then give you a response to what you’ve said. For example :

“Raina, you are always sitting on the computer.”

“Mom, you’re annoyed because I’m always sitting on the computer. But after college I’m home for just 2 hours before I leave for my dance classes. I have to catch up with my emails and friends in this time !”

Her mom is much more likely to be satisfied with the response than if Eshita had started her response with “But after college I’m home for just 2 hours……….. .”

Eshita has applied a simple trick in her response. She has used what is known as ‘The power of simple acknowledgement’.

By repeating back in her own words the essence and feeling of what she has just heard from the mom’s point of view, she allows her mom to feel the satisfaction of being recognized as an individual and of being understood. This is a very major psychological need in humans. Those of you who have studied psychology in college, would have learnt about physical and emotional strokes. This simple acknowledgement by Eshita provides an emotional stroke to her mom and satisfies her much more than the rest of her answer will. That’s about all that you also have to do to use this trick. Acknowledge what you hear and magically, your chances of being heard and understood by the other person improve tremendously.

Here is what acknowledgement is all about, and how to use its power.

When someone says something to you, listen first and repeat back to that person, in your own words, what you’ve heard, even if you don't agree with it, before expressing your point of view. Specially in a tense or conflict situation, in order to get better attention from the other, pay attention first, then give a brief restatement of what you have heard before you express your own needs or position.

You must remember that acknowledging another person's thoughts and feelings does not mean that you approve of, or agree with what that person is saying, or that you will do whatever someone asks. It just indicates that you have entirely understood what has been said to you.

For effectively acknowledging someone, keep these three steps in mind :

1. Repeat to the speaker what you have heard : Acknowledge by repeating back in similar words to show that you have heard and understood what has been said to you. Then express anything else that you want to. Another example :

Statement :“I felt on top of the world when I won the Ms India crown.”

Respond with :“So you felt great getting the crown ! You must’ve been really kicked about it. I’m sure it was a very proud moment for you and your family.”

Don’t just say : “Oh yea, you must be really kicked about it !”

2. Don't Invalidate : It is not necessary that you agree with the person you are acknowledging. You do not even need to show or feel that what is said is the truth. However, don’t tell the speaker that what she has said is invalid or has happened because of her fault. In other words, do not invalidate the speaker. Example :

Statement : “My dog got run over by a car today.”

Respond with : “"Aw. Your dog got run over. You must be feeling really terrible..........."

Don’t say : “ You know I told you not to take the dog out without the leash !”

3. Don't Try to Change the speaker’s views : Be satisfied just to acknowledge. Don't try to change the talker’s opinion or behaviour.

Statement : I hate these guys who stare at me every time I go to the mall. As if they’ve never seen a woman before !”

Respond with : “Yes, you get really mad when they stare, don’t you ?”
Don’t say : “Probably has something to do with the short dresses that you wear all the time. Go out in a salwar kameez and no one will stare.”

Get acknowledgement in your bag of communication tricks, feel its power, and see how people’s reactions to what you say changes for the better.

The Sixth Challenge of Congeniality coming up in the next issue. In the mean time, answer this month’s simple question and win yourself 3 free one-on-one training sessions with me. It’ll help you on your way to the crown. Plus it’s easy because the answer to the question lies somewhere in this article.

The Question : What are the three simple things that you need to keep in mind when you acknowledge someone ?

Shoot off your answer to yuriyuriyuri@gmail.com. The lucky winner will be notified by e mail.

Keep polishing your wheel. The crown is not as far as you think it is ! Till next month then.

Ms Congeniality - VI

Crowns and Roses
~Yuri~
MS CONGENIALITY : THE SIXTH CHALLENGE OF BEING CONGENIAL
Stop Complaining About Yourself
If you think there's something wrong with you, no one will argue with you. They will agree with you whole heartedly. Think of how many times you hear statements like these :

“Oh, I’ve put on so much weight on my thighs. I need to spend more time in the gym.”

“My boyfriend is so insensitive.”

“My hair is so unmanageable.”

“I wish my parents were a little more liberal.”

“Wish I could give up smoking.”

“I’ve been very unfortunate in my relationships.” ……. etc.

Each one of us has features or habits or experiences that we could really do without. If by now you have adopted the First challenge of Congeniality ie you have learnt how to love yourself (Jun issue), the number of these things must have reduced drastically. However, some of our grievances still remain. There should be some magic mantra to wish them away, but (sigh) …..there isn’t ! But there is one more thing you can do to minimize the effect of these unfortunate things and also appear more pleasant to those around you ………Stop complaining about yourself. Because, if you don’t, you will only highlight things that are wrong about you, and the others will not disbelieve you. There is something worse that also happens alongside. Just like people who constantly boast about themselves, those who continuously talk about their shortcomings also fall in the ‘I, me and myself’ category. Imagine how boring it is to listen to people who go on and on about ‘I this’ and ‘me that’. They keep the focus on themselves and most times the others tend to make a face and tune off.

There are 2 good reasons why you should stop complaining all the time. The first reason is in the para above. The second reason, which is equally important, is that saying negative things also does not make those around you feel happy about themselves. While happy people who talk about how good life is spread positive energy, people who talk about their faults and mistakes and unfortunate experiences all the time, radiate negative energy, thus bringing down the overall level of happiness around them.

So know your shortcomings, work hard to remove them from your lives, but don’t broadcast them to the world in the hope of getting some sympathy back from the others.

The Seventh Challenge of Congeniality coming up in the next issue. In the mean time, answer this month’s simple question and win yourself 3 free one-on-one training sessions with me. It’ll help you on your way to the crown. Plus it’s easy because the answer to the question lies somewhere in this article.

The Question : If you have too much hair on your legs, might as well tell the world about it. Someone might offer a magic solution to get rid of them. True or False.

Shoot off your answer to yuriyuriyuri@gmail.com. The lucky winner will be notified by e mail.

Keep working toward improving yorsellf. The crown is not as far as you think it is ! Till next month then.

Ms Congeniality - IV

Crowns and Roses
~Yuri~
MS CONGENIALITY : THE FOURTH CHALLENGE OF BEING CONGENIAL

Two pageant contestants are talking to each other.
Sonalika says, “Right after the contest I’m going to Allahabad to visit my 97 year old grandmother.”

Ankita replies with, “Oh, I was in Allahabad once. It’s got such horrible weather. Not a happening place at all ! I’d rather go to Mumbai or Bangalore.”

What do you think of this conversation ? Rather insensitive on Ankita’s part, wasn’t it ?

Ankita was a bad listener. She only heard the first half of what was said and started to say what she thought was right. She failed to see the reason why Sonalika said what she said. Sonalika actually was a little concerned that her grandma was getting by in years. She was not keeping too well. She could die anytime. Sonalika knew that granny was very lonely since grandpa died 14 years ago. She had not seen her for over six months now and really wanted to go and see her. But Ankita, who did not listen, changed the entire message around and brought it down to a discussion about which cities were hot and happening.

If I was Ankita, I would have replied with, “97 !!…..omg….. is she keeping well ? Do you get to see her often?”
This would give Sonalika a chance to say what was actually bothering her. She could off load her tension and Ankita would then start to become her good friend.

In our enthusiasm and our desire to express ourselves, we forget to listen to what is being said; we just plain stop listening! In the bargain, we lose little opportunities of making friends. Listen well so that you know what to say next. Here are some suggestions that you may follow to become good listeners. Some of them may seem obvious, but it is amazing how many times we forget them and unintentionally insult the speaker.

1. Let others finish saying what they have to.
As the speaker is saying something, she will often reveal valuable clues that will help you satisfy her needs. This also saves time and avoids useless and frivolous discussion about things that the speaker
has no interest in.

2. It is impossible to listen and talk at the same time.
If you are one of those who is always anxious to add your own views, you often attempt to interrupt with comments while another person is speaking. This invasion of random comments actually slows the conversation. Wait, you will get your chance to say something. And what you say will be more relevant after you have heard the other person out.

3. Listen for the main ideas.
Specific facts (like, ‘right after the contest’, and, ‘Allahabad’ in the above example) are only important as they pertain to the main theme. If you hear them in isolation, they will often cause misinterpretation and can be taken out of context because you pre-empted the main point thinking you knew what was going to be said.

4. Be sensitive to your emotional deaf spots.
One of the biggest blocks to good listening is your own preconceptions and your prejudices. When a word is spoken that triggers your own thoughts your mind wanders off. This chain reaction produces a dead spot in your listening. Don't let your prejudices or triggers take you or the conversation to places you really don't want to go.

5. Fight off distractions.
Don't let ringing telephones, passersby or other things distract you.

6. React to the message, not the person.
Don't let your feelings about the speaker influence your understanding of what is being said. Sometimes the best thoughts come from people who you think are not worth listening to.

7. Take advantage of feedback.
Ask, "let me see if I understand what you are saying. Then repeat what you think you heard. This gives you a chance to correct any misunderstanding before things get out of hand and go down the
wrong path to a dead end.

Start using these suggestions while you listen from now on and see how it endears you to those you communicate with.

The Fifth Challenge of Congeniality coming up in the next issue. In the mean time, answer this month’s simple question and win yourself 3 free one-on-one training sessions with me. It’ll help you on your way to the crown. Plus it’s easy because the answer to the question lies somewhere in this article.

The Question : Is this statement True or False ? While listening you should always react to the person, not to the message being said.

Shoot off your answer to yuriyuriyuri@gmail.com. The lucky winner will be notified by e mail.

Stay cool, I’ll catch you next month.

Ms Congeniality - III

Crowns and Roses
~Yuri~
MS CONGENIALITY : THE THIRD CHALLENGE OF BEING CONGENIAL

Have you ever been to a restaurant where the waiter spits in your food before he brings it to your table? Ugh! I know it’s yucky and makes your stomach churn, but a lot of restaurants have waiters who do this. You needn’t be bothered though, if you follow one little piece of advice. Change all your complaints and criticism of the others into requests. You would ask me, how? It’s easy.

When complaining in a restaurant, some people will say, “Waiter, this bloody soup is awful. Can’t you guys even serve a decent soup in your lousy restaurant ?”

Some others would put it across differently. Like, “Waiter, my soup’s not tasting right, and I like it really hot, can you get me another one, please !”

The way the waiter responds in both these situations could be very different. In both these cases, he will take the soup back into the kitchen and curse that fellow. He will then get another soup to the satisfaction of the customer and serve it to him. Except that in the first case, there is a good chance that he would try and do something that would avenge the slight accorded to him by the customer. His focus will not be on giving the customer what he wants. He will, instead, want to do something to make himself forget the disrespect and abuse with which the customer treated him. He might just spit in the soup, or something similar so that when the customer eats that soup, he can chuckle to himself and silently say, ‘take that, you idiot.”

Criticism usually puts people on the defensive and doesn't get the results we want. When put on the defensive, people's capacity to listen and comply with your demands goes down. Their attention and energy will often go into some combination of defending their position, saving face & counter-attacking. Only when they feel safe are they likely to listen and consider how they might meet our needs. By translating your complaint into a request you, therefore, change the role you are asking the other person to play.

While complaining or criticizing someone, your aim should be clear, that you want things changed from what they are. As long as you are clear about this, you won’t go wrong. Don’t get personal and don’t use generalizations while complaining. Ask for what you want by using specific, action-oriented, positive language. Here are some examples.

"Don't be so inconsiderate! Just keep quiet yaar !" could be restated as: "Please don’t make that noise. I’m trying to sleep because we have an early morning shoot."

"Somebody ought to order some food." could be restated as: "Would you order some food because we’re all very hungry."

"Turn down that music!" could be restated as: "Hi. I am in the room next to yours and your music is really booming through the walls. Would you please turn it down so I can concentrate on my work."

Remember, changing your complaints into action oriented words will not only make you more congenial to the others, but also increase the chances of your getting what you want. Similarly, you can reverse the situation. When someone makes a complaint to you and does not word it properly, don’t get angry. Instead, understand where that person is coming from, why she’s saying what she’s saying, and what is it that she wants. Convert that into a request in your own head and see what you can do about it.

The Fourth Challenge of Congeniality coming up in the next issue. In the mean time, answer this month’s simple question and win yourself 3 free one-on-one training sessions with me. It’ll help you on your way to the crown. Plus it’s easy because the answer to the question lies somewhere in this article.

The Question : Is it right to generalize a complaint and say,” You never come on time.”

Shoot off your answer to yuriyuriyuri@gmail.com. The lucky winner will be notified by e mail.

Stay cool, I’ll catch you next month.

Ms Congeniality - II

Crowns and Roses
~Yuri~
MS CONGENIALITY : THE SECOND CHALLENGE OF BEING CONGENIAL
The Ms Congeniality sub contest, that is an important part of every prestigious pageant, is judged by the contestants themselves. They vote for each other and decide who, amongst them, was the most caring, friendly and warm during the entire length of the contest.
We tackled the first Challenge of congeniality in the last issue. If you’re ready, here comes the second.
Very often we hear people making statements like :
Anyone who uses curse words is obviously stupid and uneducated!
People who like Rap don’t know anything about music!
Women who wear short skirts are sluts !
If you look more closely, you will also find that some people are more prone to making statements like these, and most times these people are the ones that are generally disliked amongst friends. So what’s wrong with making statements like the ones above ? The answer is that unknown to them, these people have a particularly unattractive trait. They are all being judgmental. Often, these judgments are based on their own prejudice and bias and their far-reaching pronouncements are based on limited information.
Yet, when we meet other people, it is only natural to notice good or bad things about them and form opinions, none of us can help that ! So how does making opinions about others differ from being judgmental?
Judgments are often made in authoritative terms; they dictate what is right and wrong, what should and should not be, what is good or bad. Making a simple opinion, however, does not carry these ominous overtones. Shireen has poor table manners is an opinion. But the judgmental person would add something to the opinion, such as (therefore), she’s a slob who comes from a bad family!

They say, “Hate the sin, not the sinner”.
In forming opinions, there is no moral overtone, no further conclusions are drawn, no inferences are made about the person’s character. We just have our observation. As soon as we add therefore to the observation we are likely to be judgmental. He talks very slowly, is an observation, therefore, he must be stupid is a judgmental conclusion.

If you look out for your ‘therefores’ you are less likely to sit in judgment over your fellow human beings, which will be good for you and them. Otherwise you will seem to always look down on others, and imply that you are so much better … and that creates division between you and the others.

When you first arrive as a pageant contestant you are going to meet many new people who you would have to work closely with for the next few days. You will notice things about the other contestants that may appear good or bad to you, but to form an opinion about them based on your first impressions will be suicidal. Go that extra yard to try and find out why they do or say what they do. Once you know the reason, you will appreciate the individuals a lot more. The flip side is that in return, the others also seem to start liking you more.
So form an opinion and voice it if you want, but stop yourself there and don’t add ‘therefore’ to make a judgment.
The Third Challenge of Congeniality coming up in the next issue. In the mean time, answer this month’s simple question and win yourself 3 free one-on-one training sessions with me.
The Question : What is the main difference between forming an opinion and passing a judgment ?
The answer is somewhere within this article. Shoot off your answers to yuriyuriyuri@gmail.com. The lucky winner will be notified by e mail.
See you next month.

Ms Congeniality - I

Crowns and Roses
~Yuri~
MS CONGENIALITY

Once upon a time, a serial killer indicated that his next target would be someone in the Miss USA beauty pageant. So the FBI decided that they must get an undercover agent to enter as a participant in the contest. The only available and suitable candidate is a bumbling female agent. Reluctantly, they enter her in the contest, replacing a contestant from the state of New Jersey who was discovered to have acted in a porno film. The organizers are aghast about the FBI agent appearing in the pageant, but arrange a top trainer (probably someone like me ! heh heh) to give her a quick makeover, with the expected outstanding results. Like all happy stories, the killer is caught in the end. You’ve all probably seen this movie. I am talking about Ms Congeniality where Sandra Bullock plays the undercover agent and enters the pageant as a contestant. She also eventually wins the Ms Congeniality title.

All beauty pageants worth their name have the Ms Congeniality title as one of the important sub contests because, to win it, all contestants try and be at their best behavior with each other, even when the organizers and judges are not watching. This lends itself to a more convivial atmosphere all around during the days leading up to the pageant and hence, is important to the pageant itself being a success. Some pageants call it Ms Amity, though the qualities required to win it are essentially the same. Amity means friendship, and congeniality means being pleasant, kind, and helpful.

In the next few issues, I’m going to take you through the art of being congenial. We’ll try and see what behavioral qualities you need to adopt to become Ms Congeniality. This will help you not just in a pageant, but in life in general as you will learn to be a better friend.

I have drawn up for you, what I call the Seven Challenges of Congeniality. One by one, let’s see what these challenges are. From this issue onwards, we are also starting a contest. You will be asked one question, and from out of the correct answers, one lucky winner will be chosen by a draw of lots. The winner will get 3 sessions of one to one training with me, free of cost. The answer to the question will always be somewhere within the article itself, so read on, carefully !

The First Challenge of Congeniality is : Learn to Love Yourself.
Feel Good about Yourself, that’s where you have to start. Here are a few pointers to help you on your way.

1. If you must examine your faults, do so with the mirror, not a magnifying glass – don't allow them to get out of proportion. Don't say, "I'm buried in debt." Say, "I owe Rs 10,000 in loans."
2. Learn to do without the word "should". Don’t say, "I should have finished that job on Friday," substitute the word "could". Realize you have the option of exercising your own choice.
3.Rethink your mistakes as lessons learnt, which will help you to forgive yourself for the mistake and prevent future ones.
4. Next time somebody compliments you, don't automatically protest, as some people do, but gracefully accept the complement.
5. Discard the myth of perfection. Nobody does everything perfectly.
6. Never compare yourself with others; the point is to improve on your own performance.
7. Give yourself time to feel good. When you reach an objective, allow for a period of celebration before going on to the next goal.
8. Give yourself a pep talk. Encourage yourself just as you would encourage your best friend, or as a best friend would do for you.
9. Wake up happy. Begin each day with a fun routine. Sing in the shower. If you're not already in a cheerful mood, put on your favorite song or CD; load it into your music system the night before.
10. Start each morning with a vision of yourself doing all the right things at work, at play and at home. Mentally rehearse the act of winning, just as the professional performers and athletes do.
11. Don't wait to get sick to take care of your health. Have a salad for lunch. Sign up for a gym. Snack on fruit instead of junk food.
12. Even if you're not feeling confident, act as if you are. Soon you will realize you're no longer faking it.
13. Affirm your power to change – or to remain the same. If you aren't ready to give up a bad habit such as smoking, accept that at this time you choose this habit as a method of coping, and that you can soon choose to replace it with a healthier one.

Start with these tips, learn to love yourself, because only if you allow yourself these liberties, will you be able to grant others their shortcomings and learn to treat them with more congeniality.

The Second Challenge of Congeniality coming up in the next issue. In the mean time, answer this simple question and win yourself 3 free one-on-one training sessions with me.

The Question : What state of the United States of America does Sandra bullock represent in the movie 'Miss Congeniality'?

The answer is somewhere within this article. Shoot off your answers to yuriyuriyuri@gmail.com.

See you next time.