Ms Congeniality - V

Crowns and Roses
~Yuri~
MS CONGENIALITY : THE FIFTH CHALLENGE OF BEING CONGENIAL
The power of simple acknowledging

Have you seen how some people, when you tell them something, always repeat your words back to you. And then give you a response to what you’ve said. For example :

“Raina, you are always sitting on the computer.”

“Mom, you’re annoyed because I’m always sitting on the computer. But after college I’m home for just 2 hours before I leave for my dance classes. I have to catch up with my emails and friends in this time !”

Her mom is much more likely to be satisfied with the response than if Eshita had started her response with “But after college I’m home for just 2 hours……….. .”

Eshita has applied a simple trick in her response. She has used what is known as ‘The power of simple acknowledgement’.

By repeating back in her own words the essence and feeling of what she has just heard from the mom’s point of view, she allows her mom to feel the satisfaction of being recognized as an individual and of being understood. This is a very major psychological need in humans. Those of you who have studied psychology in college, would have learnt about physical and emotional strokes. This simple acknowledgement by Eshita provides an emotional stroke to her mom and satisfies her much more than the rest of her answer will. That’s about all that you also have to do to use this trick. Acknowledge what you hear and magically, your chances of being heard and understood by the other person improve tremendously.

Here is what acknowledgement is all about, and how to use its power.

When someone says something to you, listen first and repeat back to that person, in your own words, what you’ve heard, even if you don't agree with it, before expressing your point of view. Specially in a tense or conflict situation, in order to get better attention from the other, pay attention first, then give a brief restatement of what you have heard before you express your own needs or position.

You must remember that acknowledging another person's thoughts and feelings does not mean that you approve of, or agree with what that person is saying, or that you will do whatever someone asks. It just indicates that you have entirely understood what has been said to you.

For effectively acknowledging someone, keep these three steps in mind :

1. Repeat to the speaker what you have heard : Acknowledge by repeating back in similar words to show that you have heard and understood what has been said to you. Then express anything else that you want to. Another example :

Statement :“I felt on top of the world when I won the Ms India crown.”

Respond with :“So you felt great getting the crown ! You must’ve been really kicked about it. I’m sure it was a very proud moment for you and your family.”

Don’t just say : “Oh yea, you must be really kicked about it !”

2. Don't Invalidate : It is not necessary that you agree with the person you are acknowledging. You do not even need to show or feel that what is said is the truth. However, don’t tell the speaker that what she has said is invalid or has happened because of her fault. In other words, do not invalidate the speaker. Example :

Statement : “My dog got run over by a car today.”

Respond with : “"Aw. Your dog got run over. You must be feeling really terrible..........."

Don’t say : “ You know I told you not to take the dog out without the leash !”

3. Don't Try to Change the speaker’s views : Be satisfied just to acknowledge. Don't try to change the talker’s opinion or behaviour.

Statement : I hate these guys who stare at me every time I go to the mall. As if they’ve never seen a woman before !”

Respond with : “Yes, you get really mad when they stare, don’t you ?”
Don’t say : “Probably has something to do with the short dresses that you wear all the time. Go out in a salwar kameez and no one will stare.”

Get acknowledgement in your bag of communication tricks, feel its power, and see how people’s reactions to what you say changes for the better.

The Sixth Challenge of Congeniality coming up in the next issue. In the mean time, answer this month’s simple question and win yourself 3 free one-on-one training sessions with me. It’ll help you on your way to the crown. Plus it’s easy because the answer to the question lies somewhere in this article.

The Question : What are the three simple things that you need to keep in mind when you acknowledge someone ?

Shoot off your answer to yuriyuriyuri@gmail.com. The lucky winner will be notified by e mail.

Keep polishing your wheel. The crown is not as far as you think it is ! Till next month then.